Beyond Calm:
Nurturing Regulation and Connection in Young Children
As parents and caregivers, we often strive for a calm and well-behaved child. However, it’s important to remember that true regulation goes beyond simply being quiet or obedient. Dr. Stanley Greenspan, a renowned child psychiatrist and developer of The Greenspan Floortime Approach®, emphasizes that calm is not regulated. Instead, regulation is a state of being that emerges from a foundation of secure attachment and emotional connection.
The Importance of Connection
Dr. Greenspan’s research highlights the crucial role of connection and co-regulated interactions in early childhood development. When children feel safe and loved, and engage in meaningful back and forth reciprocal exchanges, they are more likely to develop healthy emotional regulation skills. This connection is fostered through responsive and attuned interactions (co-regulated interactions), where caregivers mirror, match, and expand upon their child’s emotions and behaviors.
Beyond the Surface
A child who appears calm on the outside may be internally dysregulated. They might be masking their emotions, struggling with sensory processing, experiencing anxiety, and/or be in a shutdown or withdrawn state. By focusing solely on external behavior, we can miss important signs of underlying distress.
Building Regulation Together
Instead of striving for a perfectly calm child, we should focus on building a foundation of engagement and co-regulation. This involves working together with our children to develop their ability to manage their emotions and behaviors. Here are some tips from Dr. Greenspan’s Floortime Approach:
- Follow the child’s lead: Engage in activities that your child enjoys and initiate interactions that match their interests. Join their world both physically and verbally.
- Match and mirror: Reflect back your child’s emotions and behaviors, showing that you understand and accept them.
- Expand and challenge: Gradually introduce new elements and “challenges” to various experiences and that help your child strengthen their adaptability, problem-solving, flexible thinking, etc.
- Set clear, consistent, and supportive limits: Establish boundaries while maintaining a warm and responsive relationship.
In Conclusion
Understanding that calm is not regulated allows us to shift our focus from controlling our children’s behavior to fostering a supportive and nurturing environment. By prioritizing connection and co-regulation, we can help our children develop the emotional resilience and self-regulation skills they need to thrive.
Additional Resources:
- How Children Learn to Self-Regulate
- Caregiver Consistency and Responsiveness Matters
- Responsive Caregiving: How Self-Reflection Enhances …
Remember, every child is unique, and finding what works best for your family may take time and practice. By staying attuned to your child’s individual needs and embracing a compassionate and responsive approach, you can help them develop into confident, well-regulated individuals.
Emotional regulation is a child’s ability to manage their emotional responses to situations — calming when upset, engaging when alert, and maintaining a state that supports interaction and learning. In the Greenspan/DIR Model, regulation is not the goal itself, but the foundation that makes all development possible. A regulated child is an available child — available for connection, communication, and growth.
The Greenspan Floortime Approach builds regulation through relationship — specifically through the warm, responsive interactions of Floortime. When a caregiver attunes to a child’s emotional state, mirrors their experience, and gently expands the interaction, the child’s nervous system learns to regulate within the context of connection. Regulation is co-created between child and caregiver before it becomes self-generated.
Many children with autism experience significant challenges with self-regulation due to sensory processing differences, anxiety, and difficulties with transitions. The Greenspan/DIR Model addresses dysregulation by first understanding each child’s unique sensory and regulatory profile — then designing Floortime interactions that meet the child in their optimal state of arousal and gently build regulation from there.
Dr. Greenspan distinguished between calm and regulated. A child can appear calm but be withdrawn and disengaged — which is not a developmental goal. The goal of Floortime is not compliance or stillness, but warm, alert engagement — the regulated state in which genuine connection and learning take place. True regulation supports joyful participation in the world.