Beyond Calm:

Nurturing Regulation and Connection in Young Children

As parents and caregivers, we often strive for a calm and well-behaved child. However, it’s important to remember that true regulation goes beyond simply being quiet or obedient. Dr. Stanley Greenspan, a renowned child psychiatrist and developer of The Greenspan Floortime Approach®, emphasizes that calm is not regulated. Instead, regulation is a state of being that emerges from a foundation of secure attachment and emotional connection.

The Importance of Connection

Dr. Greenspan’s research highlights the crucial role of connection and co-regulated interactions in early childhood development. When children feel safe and loved, and engage in meaningful back and forth reciprocal exchanges, they are more likely to develop healthy emotional regulation skills. This connection is fostered through responsive and attuned interactions (co-regulated interactions), where caregivers mirror, match, and expand upon their child’s emotions and behaviors.

Beyond the Surface

A child who appears calm on the outside may be internally dysregulated. They might be masking their emotions, struggling with sensory processing, experiencing anxiety, and/or be in a shutdown or withdrawn state. By focusing solely on external behavior, we can miss important signs of underlying distress.

Building Regulation Together

Instead of striving for a perfectly calm child, we should focus on building a foundation of engagement and co-regulation. This involves working together with our children to develop their ability to manage their emotions and behaviors. Here are some tips from Dr. Greenspan’s Floortime Approach:

  • Follow the child’s lead: Engage in activities that your child enjoys and initiate interactions that match their interests. Join their world both physically and verbally.
  • Match and mirror: Reflect back your child’s emotions and behaviors, showing that you understand and accept them.
  • Expand and challenge: Gradually introduce new elements and “challenges” to various experiences and that help your child strengthen their adaptability, problem-solving, flexible thinking, etc.
  • Set clear, consistent, and supportive limits: Establish boundaries while maintaining a warm and responsive relationship.

In Conclusion

Understanding that calm is not regulated allows us to shift our focus from controlling our children’s behavior to fostering a supportive and nurturing environment. By prioritizing connection and co-regulation, we can help our children develop the emotional resilience and self-regulation skills they need to thrive.

Additional Resources:

Remember, every child is unique, and finding what works best for your family may take time and practice. By staying attuned to your child’s individual needs and embracing a compassionate and responsive approach, you can help them develop into confident, well-regulated individuals.