Why Expectations Don’t Have to Be Demands

In the late 1970’s, Dr. Stanley Greenspan, through his work on his Greenspan/DIR Model, laid the groundwork for many concepts now central to responsive caregiving. Long before the term became popular, Greenspan’s framework emphasized that development is not just about a child acquiring skills in isolation. Instead, it’s a dynamic, two-way process built on the emotional relationship between a child and their caregiver. He stressed the importance of caregivers following the child’s lead, meeting them at their developmental level, and joining in their play to create a “shared world” and “circles of communication.”

This idea of a “circle of communication”—a continuous, back-and-forth exchange of gestures, sounds, and emotions—is a fundamental principle of responsive caregiving. Greenspan’s work showed that these interactions, which are rich with emotional connection and tailored to the individual child and their needs, are what truly drive social, emotional, and cognitive growth. Rather than a parent directing, or demanding, a child to do a task, Greenspan advocated for a caregiver to be an attuned and playful partner, helping the child build on their natural interests and internal motivations. His foundational work, particularly with children with developmental differences, demonstrated that by focusing on the relationship and the child’s unique sensory and emotional needs, caregivers can create the nurturing environment needed for children to thrive.

The Power of Responsive Caregiving

Child development experts widely recognize responsive caregiving as a cornerstone of healthy growth. This approach is about noticing and understanding a child’s signals, then responding to them in a timely and appropriate way. Research from sources like the National Center for Pyramid Model Innovations and Head Start’s Early Childhood Learning & Knowledge Center shows that this “serve-and-return” interaction (synonymous with circles of interaction) builds secure, trusting relationships. Numerous studies have found a significant correlation between responsive caregiving and general child development, particularly in fine motor skills, and improved physical, cognitive, and psychosocial health throughout childhood.
At its core, responsive caregiving is not about dictating outcomes; it’s about providing the emotional and physical scaffolding a child needs to thrive. It teaches children that their feelings and needs are valid, fostering a sense of security and self-worth that is essential for emotional regulation and resilience.

Expectations vs. Demands

The key to applying this approach is to reframe how we think about what we want for our children.

Expectations are a belief in a child’s potential. They are broad, flexible goals that are often unspoken and evolve as a child grows. An expectation might be that your child will learn to be a kind person or will develop the confidence to try new things. These are often rooted in mutual respect and open communication.

Demands are rigid, non-negotiable requirements that put pressure on a child to perform in a specific way to please a caregiver/adult. They often come from a place of fear or control and can create stress, anxiety, and a sense of inadequacy in a child. For example, demanding a child to say please and/or thank you or pursue a specific instrument or sport can limit their autonomy and passion.

When expectations turn into demands, the focus shifts from a child’s innate development to an external performance metric. The child learns that their value is tied to their ability to meet a caregiver’s strict criteria, which can undermine their self-esteem and intrinsic motivation. Afterall, if we nurture the expectation of a child being kind they will likely decide to say please and thank you on their own, and we don’t have to demand it.

How to Foster a Responsive Environment

So, how do we have expectations without them becoming demands?

• Tune in and Respond: Practice active listening and empathy. Instead of immediately correcting a child’s behavior, try to understand the emotion or need behind it. Responsive caregiving is about “tuning in to the cues your child is using to tell you what’s bothering them,” as explained by The Family, Infant and Preschool Program.
• Focus on the Process, Not the Outcome: Praise effort and growth rather than just results. For instance, instead of saying, “I expect you to get a perfect score on your test,” you can say, “I expect you to try your best and study hard.” This encourages a growth mindset and a love of learning for its own sake.
• Encourage Agency and Independence: Allow your child to make choices and take responsibility for their actions. As outlined by the California Department of Education, providing opportunities for safe exploration and play is crucial for a child to define themselves and build confidence.
• Model Healthy Behavior: Show your child how to handle challenges and emotions with grace. Your actions are a more powerful teacher than any words you can use.
  By embracing responsive caregiving, we can cultivate an environment where expectations are a source of inspiration, not a burden. This approach helps us raise children who are not only successful but also confident, emotionally balanced, and capable of navigating the world with resilience and grace.

Experience Personalized Guidance: Accelerate your progress with individualized coaching, virtual or in-person, tailored to your unique needs and goals.

Earn a Greenspan Floortime Certificate: Take your expertise to the next level and earn an official Greenspan Floortime Certificate, recognized worldwide.